Lately, I've been staying away from everything that makes me feel something because I realized that my feelings always get me in trouble. They are impulsive and irrational and sometimes they leave me in the dark. They leave me lonely. They leave me hurt and wounded. Lately, I've been afraid of my own feelings. I love them, but I don't know if I can trust them anymore after everything they've put me through. I need them, but I also need my sanity back. I need my heart to heal and my feelings keep getting in the way. They have left me bruised and in pain rather than happy and healthy. They're left me scared and confused instead of confident and self-assured. Lately, I've been neglecting my own feelings because every time I follow them, I got lost and every time I think I understand them, they fool me. Lately, I don't know how to feel anymore. I don't know how to infuse color into a dull day or jump out of bed and seize the hell out of it. I don't know how to run with my emotions and see where they take me. I'm losing the sense of adventure. I'm losing the courage to take risks. I'm playing it safe because the more I gamble on my feelings, the more there is to lose. Lately, I've been silent about things that matter. I stopped telling people what they mean to me. I stopped expressing my feelings so eloquently. I stopped being the one who says it all and throws caution to the wind and lives like there's no tomorrow because when tomorrow comes, I find myself waking up alone in tears regretting everything my feelings led me to do. Wanting to take it all back. Wishing I could feel nothing at all.

November 9, 2021.